Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
