you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
