i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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