now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
