i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
