can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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