covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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