I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
