Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
