Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
