No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
