Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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