Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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