you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
