3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
