You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
