this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
