I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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