Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
