what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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