if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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