sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
