So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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