I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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