Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
