guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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