so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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