why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
love makes seman taste better
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
