how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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