Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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