I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
