Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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