I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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