just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
