For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
