So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
