The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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