I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
