Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
