I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
