I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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