I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
