I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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