My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
