Me. At least after what I've been through.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
