shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
