Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
