Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
