xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
