She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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