Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
