I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
