By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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