Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
