There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
