hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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