I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
