I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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