Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
