he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
