I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize