During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
