A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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