He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
