I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
