Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize