i will never coherently bang her
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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