he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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