Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
